I know a man who offended his wife on their wedding day, so much that she cried bitterly when they should have been on honeymoon. It took the lady over a month to get over the pain of “her wedding day being ruined”. But she got over it.

Today, they are the happiest couple on earth and the love, peace and joy in their home is something you can almost touch when you walk in.

I also know a couple who had the best lavish wedding in town, flew to the Bahamas immediately after the wedding and had a lavish honeymoon of three months. Even when they came back to Nigeria, they went for dinners, parties etc together and everyone was dazed at how much of a perfect match they were. But. After a year, they couldn’t stand each other anymore and were headed for a divorce, a very messy one at that…

Their marriage was built on romance not on love.

Whenever I see young people, especially ladies fantasize on how their future partner will be everything in the world to them, take them to the moon and back, I pity them. You are building on a faulty foundation, because the day a good man or woman comes your way and the first thing you had with him or her was a heated argument, you won’t be able to see beyond that and you’ll conclude he/she is the wrong person, because the person doesn’t fit into your crazy fantasies of a “sweet and cuddly” partner. So while you’re thinking of how loving your wife will be, also think of how that she got pregnant and in her first trimester, her hormones were all over the place and she actually slapped you DIRTY for coming home late ( I’ve imagined that one several times). What will you do??? Now tell me, how would you handle it? Then she proceeds to say “be a man for once and beat me if you can” She nags all day, because of the mood swings she experiences with her cycles. What do you do? Would you realize or remember that these things are not her character or personality, but things nature imposed on her? Or she challenges some of your CRUCIAL, well thought out decisions, instead of always saying yes, like you thought she should. Will you say she is insubordinate, because the woman of your fantasies says yes to everything you come up with, or would you take your time to make her see why, keep explaining till she understands?

Your guy travelled, hasn’t been calling at intervals of 20 mins the way he used to.when you just got married.. You’ve been lied to that “a good man keeps chasing his wife, even after they are married” and you have prepared yourself to be “chased all your life”, but now, it’s not happening so. You start suspecting he’s seeing another woman, or doesn’t love you anymore. But guess what? In all your fantasies, you forgot that successful men are CHASERS OF DREAMS, and that when a man is chasing his dreams, NOTHING ELSE MATTERS, especially if he is experiencing challenges or encountering obstacles which he must conquer. Men don’t play romance in such situations. But a wise woman will CHASE HER MAN’S DREAMS with him, rather than wait for the man to “keep chasing her” after marriage ( whatever that means) Why not be the one calling this time? How would you know he is on a hot seat if you keep waiting for his call?

Same goes for people who dwell only on the sexual fantasies of marriage. Let me be honest with you, sex is not up to 5% of what marriage is about. How did I know? I have heard many happily married people say so. You’ll get tired of acting all your porn movies in your bedroom…and then, what next???? You probably start looking for someone else. So if all you build your fantasies on is sex and all the technicalities to having a crazy sex life in marriage, you’re building a skyscraper on sinking sand.

Some people claim they are building themselves for marriage, meanwhile all they do is, dwell on the shallows and fantasize. And they think these fantasies and shallows are what marriage is about. So when the storms show up they can’t endure. Most of these people who I have met, have had SEVERAL good people pass through their lives , yet haven’t been able to hold down one person, simply because they have fantasies with which they built expectations that are not being met by these people…just a little wind on their relationship and it’s over. Why? They built themselves on fantasies and romance.

Marriage is hard work. In hard work, you get dirty, sweat, get tired, get hungry, but never stop UNTIL the work is done.

Let go of your fantasies. Leave the shallows and get to the core.

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Uju is a writer, freelance blogger and content developer. She is passionate about helping you become the best you can be. She also loves to write, sing, hang out and meditate. If you need to talk or know someone who needs a listening ear, have them reach out to me on uju@realitieswithuj.com. I am also open to content development and freelance writing opputunities. Join me on Facebook at Nwokedi Chinny Uju.


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