I write about grief a lot. Grief is a very intense emotion that’s probably indescribable. It feels like someone is cutting open your chest and pulling out your heart without putting you under through the use of Anastasia. The pain of grief is so sharp and intense and all the pain killers in the world cannot even begin to dull the throbbing feeling of pain that is Greif.
I have tried to look at it from various perspectives. We have talked about coping with grief as a wife, a husband, as parents, and relatives but never once have we considered how a girlfriend or boy friend or even how an almost fiancé or mistress feels when they lose their significant other.
Over the last two weeks, episodes 15 and 16 of Station 19 have made me consider the pain of an almost fiancée who loses the love of their life, the pain of the secret lover who is just about to be introduced to the human pillars in the lives of their loved one who is now deceased. I even went ahead to picture what must be going on in the mind of a mistress and or side guy who losses the love they were actually enjoying in secret.
Regardless of how society categorizes “these” kind of loves, the truth is these people are not the exception when it comes to coping with the sudden departure of a loved one. Station 19 and its amazing storyline have actually put me in perspective and I want to share with you.
Apparently, Vic and Lucas are not supposed to be seeing each other because that smashes the rules in their department as fire fighters especially since Lucas is the chief and outranks her.
However, you know how these things happen na, nobody plans to fall in love when they do. This amazing beautiful thing is happening between these two people and they have to keep it a secret because of the rules.
A few months down the line, Lucas dies after being exposed to a chemical while rescuing another firefighter from a burning building and dies. So many other things happen before he dies but you have to watch the show to find out more. I just want us to take a walk with Vic.
She just lost the one man she could have probably called the love of her life and she’s not even entitled to express her pain or collect entitlements that will help her through this rough patch because on paper she’s not even family. She’s “Nothing” to him.
As expected, this is tough for her and on her. She’s reacting how best she knows how to, no one taught her how to feel, what to expect, how to express what she feels and she’s losing her mind.
Watching her deal with this pain gave me an insight to how it might feel to wear these shoes and walk in them and so I just want to say to everyone walking in these shoes right now, You are not alone.
So, I know you feel alone right now and nobody actually knows what you feel and how you are reacting to all of this,
I know their family probably does not know about you and do not think you need to be around them to heal,
I know when it comes down to it, you are nothing to him because you are not recognized,
I also know that its possible you were even with them illegally and no one thinks you have the right to feel all the things you are feeling at the moment because you are the third party in their relationship with someone else,
I know all of these do not even caption some of the awkward situations you could be dealing with right now in addition to dealing with the fact that you might never see them again,
However, I just want you to know that no matter how dark, hard, tough and wordless this might feel or appear like right now, THIS TO WILL PASS.
The Sun will rise tomorrow and so will you. All you have to do is take it one step at a time.
Rising with the sun is not as easy as it sounds but Here are a few things I think you should consider to help you with healing.
Accept the reality of a permanent separation.
For starters, it means accepting the reality of your loved one’s physical death. His or her physical body died. The fact that you continue to communicate with them in your heart doesn’t mean they are still alive. They are gone. Accept this fact and deal with the emanating pain.
At this point all you can do is treasure the memories you have of the time you spent together, value the lessons you learnt from their presence in your life and try as much as you can to go on living regardless of how hard that may seem.
Live one day at a time.
Lord Tennyson has already established that it is in reality ‘better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.’ So, no matter how hard it always may seem at first, life does go on. This is inevitable.
Live your life one day at a time.
You have had the opportunity to discover your self on another level during your relationship with this person. Its now time to rediscover your self as person with battle scars and still coping. Discover your new hobbies, build another life without the adrenaline rush.
permission to move on
Actually, when you lose somebody, your love life never will be the same. But it is important that you know that it can still continue. And in this one-off opportunity that is your life, constantly remember that why you are still here you need to be living your life to its fullest.
You are stronger than you think, you are more than what you are feeling right now. Everything you feel right now regardless of how intense and strong they are, are temporary. They will pass but not without your contribution. You have to make small efforts
All you have to do is wake up every morning and hit the ground crawling. You don’t even need to run just crawl until you can stand up on both feet.
Always remember that you will never forget this person or throwaway their memories. Treasure these memories all you can but do not allow them determine how you live your life going forward.
Take your time to Greif but don’t get stuck in the grief
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You are definitely not alone.